I wish I can share an old African proverb or saying of some sort that was passed down from my parents that deals with marriage (in which it would be a perfect time to mention one). But…I don’t.
I have a boyfriend that I say I love. Sometimes I just don’t quite know what caused me to love him. How did I know and when…it happend to fast. But, thats a different post. I’ve known him for about 4 years now. I started dating him a month I met him. We met in my Calculus class. Ever since then, It was made. We’ve had good times, on and off times. We’ve had lots of breaks and meaningful time together. I just don’t know it he’s my soul mate any more. Just thinking of this idea, make my heart sink to my stomach.
My boyfriend has a “best” friend that’s a girl. She’s real nice and all. But, basically, how I feel, what the hell is my purpose in his life. If your partner isn’t your best friend then how do you expect to see her with you forever. My boyfriend has revealed this to me on a couple occasions, especially on particular time when we were all at a party (including the best friend) and he was drunk. She was drunk too, she approached me and told me not to think that my boyfriend wants to “talk” to her. I’ve talked to my boyfriend on numerous occasions about this best friend situation and that I have no place in his life becuase of this, he choose to talk this throough with her too, i guess (*hmph*). Anyways, back to the story: so I get irrate and confront my boyfriend of what this girl just told me and I asked him why do you share personal things like that for her to know. He simply answer’s back, “Well, shes my best friend”.
OK, so I’m allways talking to my boyfrend about this issue (atleast not recently though). I allways ask do you see me as a close friend or soul=mate to the point of forever? He answers in the most serous voice and and says yes, then he says I want you to have my babies. There, right there! Am I over thinking this? Am I way over my head, when I think that kinda puts me in a lower position than a wife but just a bearer of babies. Like Frank Ocean says, “container” for the coming children that’ll potentially pop out. While he has deep (yet platonic) conversations with his “best” friend, I’d be pushing out babies. This is literally how I feel, sadly. I laugh at my self because I try to define my self based on my status of this relationship. Isn’t it depressing?
I understand that I have no reason to degrade my womanhood to my place in this relationship. All I’m saying is, is he right for me? Or, am I wasting my time. As they say, time is of essence and I sure as hell have wasted lots of it. My weight in his life has kept me puzzled for some time. He’s known her for 10 years and me just 4. Of course, I’m not overlooking the things we have in common, our attraction for each other, our clashing/similar perspectives in life that keeps us together somehow, our fun times, the worst of times. But, how is it they are still so close for so long?